onsdag 20 mars 2013

One little word | Being brave

I haven´t blogged about my word of the year, brave, in a good while. I thought that I would try and recap the last months and how my word has interacted.

When I first chose the word my life was upside down and I was sad and unsure of the future. You can read more about that here. These last couple of months has changed my life.
I have been thinking alot about this, and I was devestated when my husband left me and it felt like apart of me had died. But now I know why I was so sad; I was mourning the fact that we hadn´t been able to make it. I don´t regret the 12 years we spend together, but I wasn´t mourning the person (i.e my husband) I was mourning what we had had.
It was clear to me when I started dating so shortly after everything. The love that we have had for eachother had become a love of something safe and taken for granted and more like between best friends perhaps. But as this new guy stepped into my life (by chance) I found that my heart was completely open.

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During the time when I started dating my new love, I was being very brave for my daughter. She has had big issues with what have been going on. So my focus of being brave have definitely been shifted from me being brave for me (to survive and go on) to making the transition into this new life easier for her. We have talked and talked and cried and cried. She was (and is) mourning a father that isn´t in her life as before. She was sad for me also.

I went back and read what I first wrote about my word:

I know that I will need to be brave alot this year as I (and my daughter) face a new chapter in our lives. Clearly I need to be (or atleast act like) brave for her, but also for myself. Now, when I just wrote that last sentence I thought: No! I want to teach her that yes, this breaks my heart and hurts so very much, but it will not brake me. I don´t want to act brave. I will act as an adult and try to explain stuff for her and I also want to teach her that I am going to my very best to be brave and make the best of what life hands me.
 This is exactly what has happened! I have showed her that I could move on, I am still alive and active like I was before and that my heart could love again.

Ofcourse we have been very sensitive towards my daughter when it came to meeting the new guy etc. But everything around that has gone very smoothly and she likes him very much.

Am I just happy and in love? Yes and no. Yes, I am very much in love and all is going very well with all that :)
And no, I am not all happy and done with my ex. We still have many pratical things to plan and do. We still have to make many decisions about the future and on occasion I am still sad about the fact that we didn´t make it. We spend a large portion of time together and shared our lives with eachother, and that doesn´t just go away.
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A few weeks after Christmas I made the decision to be happy. Yes, it sounds very easy doesn´t it?! But it was what I did. I was over being sad and crying and having anxiety. I wanted to be as happy as I had been sad. Does that make any sense?!
I really did have an AHA moment where I felt like life is short and if I want something I want it now! Why wait? For whom would I wait? No, I wanted to embrace being pampered and showered with love. It felt good. Period. And who doesn´t want to feel good, right? I have always been thinking to much about what other people would think about me and my actions. I still do, but much more less than before. And it feels so good!

I still have low days, clearly. When the pratical things of being a single parent and with everything that comes from a separation, becomes to hard. At those times I just want to go on a long vacation and while I am gone someone would make every decision and all pratical things for me ;) 

I still need to remind myself to be brave. But I guess we all have to do that from time to time.

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