scary & true

my scare this summer, when we thought that maybe i had breastcancer and i did all those tests and doctors appointments and then finally getting the much better diagnosis of borrelia, did get me into deep thinking.

i didn´t think i was going to share this layout because of the journaling which is personal and for i am a bit embaressed. but i thought sharing this would be the least i could do since i don´t have to face all of the horrid things a breastcancer patient has to face.

so here is the journaling in a way;

" after all the attention and worry around my breast and the fact that i had to go through the mamogramm and other things came different feelings. The feeling that makes me wonder the most is that i didn´t feel that heavy stone falling from my shoulders. I ofcourse thought that i would be super relived and even cry after the diagnosis of borrelia instead of the dreaded breastcancer one. But the strongest feeling was that of emptiness. i prepared for the worst so much and had decided to just go straight to treatment to get well that after the positive diagnosis i got...is disappointed the right word? it is hard to even write this, because i get such a guilty conscience that i didn´t jump up and down with joy! Because so many get the opposite diagnosis and then has no choice. But maybe if i would have gotten an negative diagnosis i would have been more prepared? but what do i know? "

please feel free to comment this in any way. i know that this might cause ill with some and i am prepared for that. these were my original thoughts and feelings. now, after a few months i do feel that big sigh of relief and am happy with every day that we are all healthy and well.

but i think that sometimes we get emotions that we cant control; for example when i gave birth to my one and only child i didn´t feel that instant love. nope, i even thought that she smelled yuck! :) but if you know me, you know that there aren´t anything or anyone i love as much as i love my girl!